The Unbalancing Act Read online

  Me and my gang, excluding Loretta because she is not yet aware that she is in a gang, gather in the Solarium. I go over the plan which certainly can’t be that difficult for these girls to remember. I may be the brains of this operation, but my goodness I’ve got like a million things going on and I need them to do their part. So far, it involves them waiting by the community restroom in the 200 corridor until I come and get them. It’s almost five.

  I nonchalantly make my way back to lunch lady land and I can smell dinner cooking. These ladies can cook! I also see a sweet little pink iced cake in a glass pan with a doily. Haha! Where did this gal find the doily? My grandma has doilies too.

  “Whatcha think, sweetie? Will it do?” Loretta asks proudly.

  “It’s perfect! Thank you so much. But Loretta? I have to ask you one more thing.”

  “Oh great, I knew it,” growls Gloria, “if you feed the wild animals, they’ll keep coming back for more.”

  “She’s delightful,” I say.

  Loretta rolls her eyes at her coworker, then looks at me and says, “What’cha need, doll?”

  “This cake is for a friend. It’s her birthday...well...kind of, and I thought maybe if you could sneak away for a minute you could come and sing happy birthday with some of the crazy girls. I’m trying to find recruits.”

  “Say no more sweetie pie. I’d be happy to come along. Gloria can manage without me for a little while. Besides, that ol’ bitch gets on my last damn nerve! I ain’t got too many nerves left to spare. I’ve got the fibromyalgia.”

  “Thanks so much Loretta. I’m Vada by the way.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sugar.” She turns her head towards her coworker. “Be back in a while, Gloria. I’m taking a break.”

  Loretta unties her apron and lickety split, she’s got the cake in the air on one hand like a cocktail waitress at the casino and we are making our way down the hall towards Lauren’s room. We stop and pick up the rest of our gang who are still patiently waiting in the pisser. We quiet down as we get to her door. I go to knock, but Panicky Pearl starts breathing all funny and we talk her back into normalcy.

  “Now listen, sister,” I say “when we are done in here you can go back to your room and scream and tear up pillows if you need to. For now, knock it the hell off and let’s take turns with our crazy. Don’t be so needy.”

  She actually listens and straightens up. I knock on the door and Lauren is standing there with red eyes.

  “What is this?” she asks.

  “Lauren, I’d like you to meet some of New Outlook’s Center’s finest wards, some of whom you know, Pearl, Jessalyn, Katelyn the Nurse, and this is Loretta.”

  “Okay...but...what...what are you shitheads doing here?”

  “My name is not Pearl.” says the panic lady. I shush her.

  I count to three and we all yell, “Surprise!” We barge in and tell her we are here for her birthday party.

  She is jumping up and down with excitement. Literally, it’s like watching a small child. Her eyes are bright, her face has color, and her smile could reach the length of a classroom ruler.

  “Oh guests! I don’t know what to say, but thank you so much! Here, come over here shitheads.”

  We gather around her sitting area and sing the happy birthday song and everyone claps. We all eat cake, but Lauren gets the first piece because it’s her special day. Her joy at this moment is almost overwhelming. She goes on to tell us what she got for her birthday, which we know is all in her mind, but who cares because she is so happy. Apparently, she got a slingshot and a set of bow and arrows. She plans on going duck hunting later and I am relieved that she is nutty because I would not want my little duck friends to be eaten by Lauren, even on her birthday.

  “Sing it one more time!” she begs.

  We do. In fact, we sing it three more times and she is, I believe, the happiest woman in the world, in this moment.

  She goes on to share her pictures with the rest of the group and tells strange stories and we all go along with it. It is now time for us all to leave because we have schedules that we have to stick to, but she thanks us profusely for her party and as we leave she yells, “See you later, you shitheads!” She waves goodbye with a huge smile. We just made her day.

  Katelyn’s relief

  I walk Loretta back to the kitchen and help her catch up since we took so much of her time. After serving dinner to all the mentally deranged, I head back to my room. I am exhausted, literally, exhausted. I hear a knock on my door and in walks Katelyn, with my little white cup.

  She looks at me with her perfect smile. “What just happened back there tonight was amazing. You know, that’s the most I’ve seen Lauren smile since she’s been here. Even if it was only for one day, at least she got a chance to be happy. Good job tonight, Vada. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you still, you’re charts are confusing even to me, but you can’t be that crazy to go and do a thing like that. Really…good job.”

  “It was no problem. I think that Lauren is a sweet person who needs some friends. What can I say? She’s somebody’s daughter. Once you have kids you start looking at everybody that way. It’s kind of strange, but I hope that people will look out for my kids someday even if I’m not around. I mean, what if I died in a car accident or something? I would only hope there would be people looking out for my kids, you know?

  Katelyn looks at me and smiles. Her teeth are so white! I smile back but keep my grin tight and closed. I’m getting whitening strips as soon as I get home.

  “Hey Katelyn, I think I am ready to tell you what my true diagnosis is. I’ve dealt with this my whole life so I have learned to control it. Telling you this is hard for me, but I want you to know. You really don’t know, Katelyn? The doctors haven’t spelled it all out for you?”

  “No, what is it? I’ve tried connecting the dots, but...”

  “I have multiple-personality disorder.”

  “No way. Oh goodness, Vada! I had no idea.”

  “Yeah, I know right? So what you saw tonight, well that was Gandhi...he comes out when I try to bring peace.”

  Katelyn looks confused. “Vada, I think you better rest for the night. I’m going to have your meds reevaluated in the morning. You are doing a great job of hiding this, if that’s what you’re trying to do. I have never actually met a patient with multiple personalities, but I guess that explains why you charts are so confusing. This is a first for me. I didn’t know....I just...”

  “Now that you know, I guess I can let you meet Paul,” I say. I get up from the bed and I grab a hairbrush from the dresser. Katelyn’s excited expression changes to kind of freaked out. I walk very slowly over to her and lean in taking long deep breaths. “Paul wants to come out and meet you Katelyn,” I say softly. Her face is blank and she looks like she’s on one of those carnival rides that spin and lift your feet off the ground and keep your whole body stiff. I think she’s going to scream.

  “Katelyn they are coming, they are almost here. Move Katelyn, move!” She looks terrified. I start galloping around the room like I’m riding a horse and yell “The British are coming! The British are coming!” I keeping galloping, hold my hairbrush up, and yell out “One if by land, two if by sea!”

  Katelyn finally realizes what I’m doing and she starts yelling, “You idiot. You scared the crap out of me, Vada! I swear I almost peed in my pants. What the heck is wrong with you?”

  Still laughing, “I told you what’s wrong with me. I have multiple-personality disorder.”

  “Ha Ha! Very, very funny. You know what Vada? You need help!”

  “No shit, Sherlock, look around. That’s why I’m here.”

  We actually both laugh at that and she’s not mad anymore, we are both so tired.

  “Okay, Paul Revere, you are a maniac and I’m almost done with my shift so I’m leaving for the night.”

  “Okay, but that was rude.”

  “I’m off to my hotel room...because I’m homeless.”


  “Oh yeah Katelyn, about that...you remember my brother Heath that came to visit me?”

  Her expression lights up. “Yes.”

  “He cleared out your apartment today and he has all of your stuff stored in a moving truck in his company parking lot.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Apparently, my brother kind of has the hots for you, so when I told him your story, he was willing to help. Good thing you’re a hottie. Anyways, while your little loverboy Mikey, or PinkyDick, or whatever his name is was gone today, Heath and my dad and their buddies went and got all that stuff he bought on your credit cards along with all of your furniture and everything else.”

  “Are you kidding me, are you seriously kidding me?”

  “Heath says there are thousands of dollars’ worth of electronics and some really nice golf clubs. There’s even a new guitar. So Katelyn, whatever you don’t want you can always sell or take back. But now he’s left with nothing and you got all the stuff waiting for you to keep or sell or move right back into the apartment once he’s gone.”

  “What do you mean once he’s gone?”

  “Your name is on the lease genius. Oh...and I kind of had my brother scare the piss out of him and he told him he can’t come back. We just wanted to make sure he couldn’t take any of his “stuff” that you paid for.”

  “Oh my God, you really are a freak show! Thank you so much Vada!” She runs over and hugs me so tight I can hardly breathe. “So he’s leaving?”

  “Yes. Heath and company went back later to put the fear in him. Heath said he was scared shitless. Heath’s buddies are kind of, well, rugged. But you’re getting a security system put in when you get back...and that’s an order. Besides, from what Heath said it sounds like he’s found some other girl to leech off of.”

  “Eww...you mean she was there?”

  “Yep, but don’t worry. Heath said she was really ugly with a big gooey love handles and a booger in her nose.” Okay, so I was exaggerating a little.

  “I knew it, but, oh well, he is her problem now!”

  “So just wait a day or two, and Heath will help you move back in, okay? I wrote down his number here for you.”

  “Why are you doing this, Vada? Why do you care about what’s happening to me? I don’t understand you at all. But thank you so much.”

  “Oh no problem, girly. Now hand over my little pills and my schedule ‘cause Paul Revere, Gandhi, and Vada are going to sleep.”

  “Goodnight Vada...you crazy girl.”

  “Good. Night. Nurse.” (haha) I crack myself up.

  March 7th

  I wake missing my kids so much. Before I can get out of bed I have to cry my eyes out. What am I doing here? I just want to be with my babies. I’ve got to call Eric.

  “Eric, honey...I miss you. I meant to call you before I went to sleep last night, but things got crazy here.”

  “That’s okay. I miss you and the boys miss you too. I don’t know how you do this all day Vadie. I think I’d go nuts. Oh sorry honey. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

  “Oh stop it. I don’t get offended anymore. You know that. Are you having Grape Nuts for breakfast? Or are you going coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs? Maybe a little fruitcake perhaps?”

  “Vadie, you are something else. When are you coming home?”

  “I’m going to find out today. I feel like my time here is almost done and I’m so ready to be back with you guys. I have two therapies and a group session today so I’m going to find out if I can be released.”

  “Do you want us to come see you, baby?”

  “You know I do, but I wonder if we shouldn’t just wait. It might make me too sad and I’m sure it will only be another day or two.”

  “Okay, let me know. Your mom’s itching to visit. I’ll see if I can hold her off.”

  “Alright kid. Kiss my babies and kiss your sweet scruffy self and then rub your balls and think of me.”

  “You know I rub my balls every time I think of you.”

  “That’s gross.”

  “Yeah kinda, but anyways, I love you and call me tonight and tell me what they say.”

  “Okay. Wait. Hey Eric, do you really rub your balls when you think of me?’

  “No, when I think of you, I think...there’s my life.”

  “That was so fucking sweet Eric.”

  “Well honey, I’m a hell of a sweet guy.”

  After breakfast, which was delicious—cinnamon toast and chocolate milk—I head off to find Jessalyn and tell her goodbye.

  I see her sitting at a table by herself looking very “modelicious” and scared shitless. She is wearing a black skirt and white top with wedged heels that she doesn’t need (tall girls like to rub it in). Her make-up looks beautiful. She has a liquid-liner cat eye situation going on and it’s really working for her. I know she looks good because she wants to feel confident.

  “Well, my friend, do you know what to do?” I ask.

  “I think I got it. It’s all written out. I just hope I can go through with it.”

  “Sabrina will meet you there. You remember what she looks like, right? She has a white Acura and she’ll be waiting in the parking lot. Trust me, it will take five minutes and you’ll feel like you’ve known her for years. I’m going to find a way to get there, if I can. If for some reason I can’t break out of here, just know I’ll be thinking of you!”

  I’ve set it up with Sabrina to where she’ll meet Jessalyn at the party, and then she offered to just let Jess stay with her for a while until she gets a place. Sabrina is just like that. She’s always willing to help anybody, even if she doesn’t know them.

  “Be brave. If you can’t do it, it’s okay; you can always kick him in the balls when no one is looking. Okay, now girl, what the hell are you waiting for?”

  “Umm...my discharge papers and my ride.”

  “Of course that’s what you are waiting on. I knew it. I knew it the whole time.”

  We sit there for a couple minutes until fish-lips Gerri comes and hands Jess some papers to sign. Then Rita comes and hugs her goodbye and tells her she will call her to check on her.

  “Where will you be staying tonight?” Rita asks.

  “A friend’s house, after I leave my grandfather’s birthday party.”

  “Okay, remember you can call me anytime for any reason.”

  “Thanks, Rita.” And they hug goodbye.

  “My ride’s here it looks like,” Jessalyn says and some sort of administrative person is waving her over. She walks away and doesn’t look back.

  Well, I guess that is that. I hope she does it for her sake. I just hope I can be there to see it!

  Let’s Just Move...with Dr. Lipton

  “How are we today, Vada?” he says cheerfully.

  “Just peachy. How are you? Sir...umm... I’d like to talk to you about going home.”

  “Really? Already Vada? Do you think you are ready?”

  Is he kidding? Ready for what? I came. I did it. It’s been a week. I participated. It wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I’m ready to pack my shit, hit a real spa on the way home and then go back to my life...my family!

  “Yes sir.”

  “You do realize Vada, you haven’t been attending all of your sessions. It is hard to evaluate your recovery level at this point because frankly, we as your treatment team do not feel we’ve had your full participation.”

  “What? I didn’t even know I had missed any.”